Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Story of the Greedy-Ass Lotto Winner

A Boise, Idaho man who recently won a $220.3 million dollar Powerball jackpot has thrown his hat in the ring as a possible contender for Douche Bag of the Year, by claiming that he hoped to parlay his winnings into a billion dollar fortune. Before you get your shotgun out of the closet, let’s look into the future at what will become of Brad Duke.

June 2005: Wins the Powerball, after taxes has $85 million, invests in several reasonable stocks and bonds

December 2005: Duke’s fortune has quadrupled in half a year, Time magazine officially names him the first ever Douche Bag of the Year, the award is named in his honor

December 2006: Duke’s fortune grows at a rate of 25 % a month for the entire fiscal year, electrician Garry Blum is awarded the Brad Duke Douche Bag of the Year Award for cutting electricity on the entire eastern sea board in the last quarter of the Super Bowl

February 2007: after a short time dating Duke weds Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Alba in the least fair polygamist wedding ever, the reunited Police play the wedding reception

March 2007: Sting dies in a fatal tantric sex accident where in his penis actually levitates into the temple of his brain, this incident cancels the upcoming Police reunion tour making the Duke wedding the group’s last gig, tickets which had already been sold are not refunded (“Just to stick it to people like Sting’s dick stuck it to him.” drummer Stewart Copeland is quoted as saying)

July 2007: Brad Duke officially declared a billionare, in an interview with 60 Minutes Brad tells Ed Bradley “ They say the first billion is the hardest but I did ‘fuck all personally’”, Ed Bradley is sentenced to 6 months in a correctional facility for assault, his sentence is later reduced because as one federal judge admitted “the guy he assaulted is such a Douche Bag.”

November 2008: Lindsey Lohan is found dead in a pile of cocaine after choking on her husband’s seamen, Herbie: Fully Loaded 3 Only Skinny Girls Get Laid is put on hold until Hillary Duff loses that “junk in the trunk,” Duke covers Lindsey’s funeral expenses for under four dollars and puts her fortune to good use investing in the military industrial complex on the cusp of America’s invasion of Australia as part George W. Bush’s “Operation Just For the Fuck of It”

January 2009: Brad Duke invests 5 million dollars in Jest Magazine

February 2009: Brad Duke loses half a billion dollars, “I know I put that shit somewhere” he is quoted as saying

March 2009: Jessica Alba files for a divorce claiming “his penis just up and fell off one day,” she is awarded $250 million plus the couples estate (what used to be called Hawaii)

April 2009: Duke begins making arrangements to have his head frozen, his credit is turned down

May 2009: Brad Duke is found dead after trying to freeze his own head by dunking it into Arctic waters

December 2009: after saving at least 60 endangered female elephants from a potentially fatal yeast infection Stanley Harrison the Human Douche Bag is given the Douche Bag of the Year Award

Mutinee At Jest Magazine

With the last of our free issues handed out, our president out with back problems, and our Managing editor away on vacation for the last week and a half, I have been walking a tight rope to avoid a mutinee amongst the interns. I think I'm losing my grasp strange things happen to a man alone in an office with unpayed, un-accupied people around him. I question my superiors for leaving me in this Lord of the flies scenario. I'm scared and I think I eat Taco Bell too often.